Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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