I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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