Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
