got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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