Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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