When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm getting married
To pizza
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
