Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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