i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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