Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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