I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
