Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
