My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
