Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
