Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
