I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
