Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
