I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
how drunk are you?
Several
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
