"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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