Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Randomize
