Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
