Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
