I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
