Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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