i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
