god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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