explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
