Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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