We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
