So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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