perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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