I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
