Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
