How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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