apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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