At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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