K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
