i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
