I met the friendliest cop last night
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
