I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
