So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You've changed since you got that strap on
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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