Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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