is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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