it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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