Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
