remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
