you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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