Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
