Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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