he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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