I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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