yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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