I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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