Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
too bad you live with your parents still
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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