I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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