Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize