I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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