I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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