I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I am available for nakedness
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
