i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize