I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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