Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
