the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
