why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
