Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
